Even the Dawn fades...

Sometimes, I forget the way your face looked… I forget the faces it made… and I forget how you looked when I made you angry and I was the source of your scorn…  but I think you were my closest friend in a time when I didn’t speak much to others…

I have few pictures and fewer memories left it seems... and I as I write this, I realize I do not remember how you sounded when you spoke… nor do I remember the sounds that must have danced about when you laughed…

I realize an entire lifetime was lost that day, and all that remained was a small footnote in local paper somewhere… nothing more would ever change about you… you will always be that age… you will be so young with you entire life ahead of you… and I can only dream of who you would have become.

I wish I could have offered you more time… I wish I could have been there… I know, I should have been there… I can’t imagine the sights that were your last on this earth… nor can I put into words the sorrow I feel as I imagine your last thoughts before leaving this world… you must have been so cold…and felt so alone… staring helplessly into the night’s sky,  a sky that I so often gaze towards to this day…

I wonder, did you think we had abandoned you?.... Did you cry out for me? ….But I never came… I hope those last moments passed quickly and that you forgive me for not protecting you as I always had... I wish for you some sort of peace, that for such a beautiful vibrant flame to have been extinguished in such a callus and violent manner fills me with such a great sorrow that fear I may never live to be the tribute that you deserve.

Its been a long time, and sometimes I wonder perhaps if it wasn’t all just a movie I once saw… and I realize at this point in my life I have been without you for more years than I spent growing up with you… its rare a day goes by without some thought of who you might be today… I'm sorry you had to go, I think you may have had more to offer than I… but I’m trying….

Goodnight, and I’m sorry we haven’t talked more…

Even the the beauty of the dawn must fade to give way to the birth of another day....

If We

If we reach a point where humor is considered a weakness and insults a passion, how long is it before stupidity is a virtue. 

Being extraordinary is not about words on a wall, nor about a singular action, but a pattern of selflessness and grace... for when we give ourselves and allow another to become more than we are we transcend the boundaries of what we are... personally I believe being extraordinary is a but a falsity, you can become attached to your own self worth and a false idea as yourself as a deity. 

Sometimes losing the need to be special is the truly extraordinary feat... only once you learn to be who you really are, free from the constraints and scars of life do you come to find that being special is useless. Resist tying yourself to others perception of you, if you do whats right, you are not being special... you are doing what you were always meant to do. 

TOP TEN MYTHS ABOUT INTROVERTS

TOP TEN MYTHS ABOUT INTROVERTS

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.


Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.


Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.


Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.


Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.


Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.


Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.


Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.


Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.


Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

The edge

When I stand next to a great cliff, I should show no fear... for the cliff is only a another moment in time that to shall pass… and the fall remains an outcome I cannot control.

What lies among the rocks near the base of the cliff is of no concern to me, as I am already there…

I am the cliff…

My self analysis

*please note I am currently re-examining my life so these thoughts and observations are subject to change.

I'm going to try to be really honest here.....

I am coming to a further understanding I can be severely OCD with things... so much so it can harm my interactions with people.

Normally I can limit the amount of things I obsess on to little things that only I notice, but sometimes I lose control and it bleeds into my interactions with people. I speak of this now because of recent fallout I have had with someone who was dear to me.

I wonder if people see the world the way I do, if they looks at things the same. Example, A bit ago I was driving somewhere and I got into a long drawn out analysis of how my windshield was dirty and should it shatter in what pattern would in happen which bits of dirt and bug would be split in half or fractured. Or just now on the way home I realized I was analyzing they way the light fell on the road and the distance between line marks and the distance the cars kept and how much time would I need to avoid a crash should someone veer into my lane... ect ect. I was also trying to imagine the chambers in my steering column and wheel and how they must be shaped to produce the different sounds it makes based on where I hit the wheel. It’s not that I was sitting there stressing about these things it’s just that my mind is always running through these types of things, a piece of paper may be just that but I can make it into so much more.

These things don’t bother me... but it’s when affairs of the heart or friendship come into play that these afflictions can be detrimental.

When people act a certain way towards me or it seems they are being less than truthful and it doesn't make sense I can't let it go... it eats at me like a paper cut on my brain. I pick and pick and pick... I don't know how to reconcile this. When something seems out of place or not in line with the understood parameters I can't help but attack it and attempt to understand it. There has to be a reason, and if a given reason doesn’t make sense to me I’m not satisfied. When a situation seems unstable it makes things so much worse. I start obsessing on how I'm supposed to act based on the different situations and the different possibilities that could arise, it’s no wonder some people think I'm crazy.

When I have to trust someone and put my life in their hands it can be a terrifying thing, if that other person can't reassure me or quell my emotions I can start to tear things apart. I understand not many people want or should have to put up with this.  Which is why I remain alone most of the time. It’s not worth the constant disappointment and failed interactions. 

Now on the flip side these personality traits also make me a very good worker and very good at my job. They also make me a very attentive and loyal friend and companion, I am always looking out for people and for ways to be of use and help out those I truly care about. Sometimes so much so that it comes off wrong, people aren’t used to someone who takes so much time to do something for someone else.  But again I can go overboard and do this too much as well. In that I can lose myself... this is why I don’t keep many friends in my daily life. I can become consumed with others and forget myself. 

When I'm by myself I throw myself into Art and my many hobbies. It has been said that I am a very good photographer and musician, and I have many skills and hobbies that can take up lots of my time. Because of my sometimes single-mindedness I am able to learn and become proficient at many things. My solitary personal life is very fulfilling; I was recently called a renaissance man by someone I met the other day.  I assume this was because of my wide ranging abilities and interest. This is the positive side of being the way I am.

Sometimes my best traits are also my worst enemies all rolled into one.

I derive a certain sense of security in my life by surrounding myself with things that are solid and that I understand, if my basic things are not taken care of I withdraw inward. When I feel unsure of my path or place I feel the only way to deal with it is to try to master understanding of the situation, to get to the bottom of it. I need to know where I am going. I have trouble trusting people with my life; I have never really had to... I have always been able to provide for myself and been in control most of the time with where I was going. 

Or at least I thought I had those things...

I live a very quiet life with little contact with people outside work; I realize that perhaps this is because I have issues dealing with new situations or events... example... say I had a party to go to at a bar. I would literally think about that for days and weeks before hand and be nervous about it, I think about where is at? What’s the parking going to be like? What if I walk in the place and don’t see anyone I know? ect ect ect.... so much so I have been known not to attend things because of it.  I used to work at a bar as a bouncer as a second job, I used to get this terrible pain in my stomach whenever I would get within about 2 miles from work... the thought of all those people would get to me. When I was younger I played in bands and was the front man but I didn’t do the mingling, before we played you would find me locked up in a car somewhere hiding... possibly drinking to calm my nerves. Once I get into a situation I seem to find a way to deal with it, but it can be so difficult to overcome that first wall. 

I try not to think about how these issues have forced me to live my life a certain way, but the fact remains that I make some choices based off the issues I have in social situations and interactions. Now get me one on one and I can be intelligent and charismatic and witty, but when I fall out of my comfort zone I can fall to pieces.

It’s funny, I have had many people tell me they admire the strength I have, and they always say you’re so strong. If they only knew the battles I fight at times within myself. I am not strong; I am a slave at times to things I can't control in my mind. At times I may appear strong, but that’s usually because I am putting myself so much into taking care of something or someone that I don't have time to think about things that worry me. I don't have time to analyze things and let myself mind-fuck things. I wish I wasn’t this way, but I don't know how to be any other way. It’s something I have always done, it just seems normal to me.

Some people can make it worse... some people can make it better. I think back now to a time a woman asked me how I remained single with all the things I have going for me... I guess in time all questions get answered and she has her answer now. Sometimes even those who say they don’t judge will do so... we all do it. Those who say they don’t judge are most likely lying. 

In the end it seems to win.

I fight internally whether I'm best in small doses or on my own or just not built to cohabitate. As much as I do wish I had someone I could trust in the special way you do your significant other it seems like such a daunting task given my neurosis.

Now this isn’t to say I’m a lost cause or I have nothing useful to offer, quite the contrary… I believe I have very unique things about my personality and my outlook on life that a lot of people would find very attractive. I have a lot to offer, but I’m certainly no stroll in the park and if you can’t handle my faults you won’t get the good. But I can't expect everyone to stick around for the ride.... 

A story

 It was a cold night, the air stung like a jilted lovers barbs from across the room... He stared into the ominous night sky looking for a star to find his bearings… But it was no use; he would have to rely on his guts and steely resolve to get him through this night... if he could only remember her name.

Was she real... or just a composite of the women from his past? What was in the case next to him and why did he smell like cheap booze again... it was going to be a long night he thought to himself... it smelled like vanilla tonight.

As he took inventory he realized he had dried blood on his shirt… odd he thought. He unbuttoned his shirt to reveal a stitched up somewhat healed over stab wound in the area above his heart... he noted how it oozed and smelled of mixture of roses and despair. I must have been somewhere I didn’t belong he muttered to himself...how did I come to be here and who attended to my wounds? There seemed to be a strange void in time he couldn’t reconcile.

The case next to him had the look of something time forgot, from the looks of it had been repaired numerous times... the hinges and locks didn’t appear original… it was covered in a tattered and clawed at leather and yet seemed well built… it was about the size of a breadbox and had a weight to that seemed unusual for such a small item. It appeared to had been recently wielded shut… as he held it to his ear he could make out a faith sound coming from the box… it was a steady but weak thump…