The edge

When I stand next to a great cliff, I should show no fear... for the cliff is only a another moment in time that to shall pass… and the fall remains an outcome I cannot control.

What lies among the rocks near the base of the cliff is of no concern to me, as I am already there…

I am the cliff…

My self analysis

*please note I am currently re-examining my life so these thoughts and observations are subject to change.

I'm going to try to be really honest here.....

I am coming to a further understanding I can be severely OCD with things... so much so it can harm my interactions with people.

Normally I can limit the amount of things I obsess on to little things that only I notice, but sometimes I lose control and it bleeds into my interactions with people. I speak of this now because of recent fallout I have had with someone who was dear to me.

I wonder if people see the world the way I do, if they looks at things the same. Example, A bit ago I was driving somewhere and I got into a long drawn out analysis of how my windshield was dirty and should it shatter in what pattern would in happen which bits of dirt and bug would be split in half or fractured. Or just now on the way home I realized I was analyzing they way the light fell on the road and the distance between line marks and the distance the cars kept and how much time would I need to avoid a crash should someone veer into my lane... ect ect. I was also trying to imagine the chambers in my steering column and wheel and how they must be shaped to produce the different sounds it makes based on where I hit the wheel. It’s not that I was sitting there stressing about these things it’s just that my mind is always running through these types of things, a piece of paper may be just that but I can make it into so much more.

These things don’t bother me... but it’s when affairs of the heart or friendship come into play that these afflictions can be detrimental.

When people act a certain way towards me or it seems they are being less than truthful and it doesn't make sense I can't let it go... it eats at me like a paper cut on my brain. I pick and pick and pick... I don't know how to reconcile this. When something seems out of place or not in line with the understood parameters I can't help but attack it and attempt to understand it. There has to be a reason, and if a given reason doesn’t make sense to me I’m not satisfied. When a situation seems unstable it makes things so much worse. I start obsessing on how I'm supposed to act based on the different situations and the different possibilities that could arise, it’s no wonder some people think I'm crazy.

When I have to trust someone and put my life in their hands it can be a terrifying thing, if that other person can't reassure me or quell my emotions I can start to tear things apart. I understand not many people want or should have to put up with this.  Which is why I remain alone most of the time. It’s not worth the constant disappointment and failed interactions. 

Now on the flip side these personality traits also make me a very good worker and very good at my job. They also make me a very attentive and loyal friend and companion, I am always looking out for people and for ways to be of use and help out those I truly care about. Sometimes so much so that it comes off wrong, people aren’t used to someone who takes so much time to do something for someone else.  But again I can go overboard and do this too much as well. In that I can lose myself... this is why I don’t keep many friends in my daily life. I can become consumed with others and forget myself. 

When I'm by myself I throw myself into Art and my many hobbies. It has been said that I am a very good photographer and musician, and I have many skills and hobbies that can take up lots of my time. Because of my sometimes single-mindedness I am able to learn and become proficient at many things. My solitary personal life is very fulfilling; I was recently called a renaissance man by someone I met the other day.  I assume this was because of my wide ranging abilities and interest. This is the positive side of being the way I am.

Sometimes my best traits are also my worst enemies all rolled into one.

I derive a certain sense of security in my life by surrounding myself with things that are solid and that I understand, if my basic things are not taken care of I withdraw inward. When I feel unsure of my path or place I feel the only way to deal with it is to try to master understanding of the situation, to get to the bottom of it. I need to know where I am going. I have trouble trusting people with my life; I have never really had to... I have always been able to provide for myself and been in control most of the time with where I was going. 

Or at least I thought I had those things...

I live a very quiet life with little contact with people outside work; I realize that perhaps this is because I have issues dealing with new situations or events... example... say I had a party to go to at a bar. I would literally think about that for days and weeks before hand and be nervous about it, I think about where is at? What’s the parking going to be like? What if I walk in the place and don’t see anyone I know? ect ect ect.... so much so I have been known not to attend things because of it.  I used to work at a bar as a bouncer as a second job, I used to get this terrible pain in my stomach whenever I would get within about 2 miles from work... the thought of all those people would get to me. When I was younger I played in bands and was the front man but I didn’t do the mingling, before we played you would find me locked up in a car somewhere hiding... possibly drinking to calm my nerves. Once I get into a situation I seem to find a way to deal with it, but it can be so difficult to overcome that first wall. 

I try not to think about how these issues have forced me to live my life a certain way, but the fact remains that I make some choices based off the issues I have in social situations and interactions. Now get me one on one and I can be intelligent and charismatic and witty, but when I fall out of my comfort zone I can fall to pieces.

It’s funny, I have had many people tell me they admire the strength I have, and they always say you’re so strong. If they only knew the battles I fight at times within myself. I am not strong; I am a slave at times to things I can't control in my mind. At times I may appear strong, but that’s usually because I am putting myself so much into taking care of something or someone that I don't have time to think about things that worry me. I don't have time to analyze things and let myself mind-fuck things. I wish I wasn’t this way, but I don't know how to be any other way. It’s something I have always done, it just seems normal to me.

Some people can make it worse... some people can make it better. I think back now to a time a woman asked me how I remained single with all the things I have going for me... I guess in time all questions get answered and she has her answer now. Sometimes even those who say they don’t judge will do so... we all do it. Those who say they don’t judge are most likely lying. 

In the end it seems to win.

I fight internally whether I'm best in small doses or on my own or just not built to cohabitate. As much as I do wish I had someone I could trust in the special way you do your significant other it seems like such a daunting task given my neurosis.

Now this isn’t to say I’m a lost cause or I have nothing useful to offer, quite the contrary… I believe I have very unique things about my personality and my outlook on life that a lot of people would find very attractive. I have a lot to offer, but I’m certainly no stroll in the park and if you can’t handle my faults you won’t get the good. But I can't expect everyone to stick around for the ride....